The Healing Lodge

The Healing Lodge

Spousal Abuse A Woman Speaks

As I sit here and read the stories of these wonderfully brave people, my heart is touched and I feel such an outpouring of love and empathy. You are all in my daily prayers. I am now certain of the reason I joined this list. Therefore I will share my story.

I really did not have an unhappy childhood until I turned 16 and married. My first husband was an abuser. He abused alcohol and he abused me, on a daily basis, for almost 7 yrs. I am a survivor of spousal abuse, and I fight for understanding and help for those who are going through the same things.

I had 3 children from this marriage..two of them survived. It was when my daughter died at the age of 2 months that I started looking for answers to life. Everyone in my 'Catholic' family told me it was 'God's will'. I was 17 yrs old and had enough 'rebel' in me that I just couldn't accept that explanation. I instinctively knew that God was love and it was not his 'will' that caused babies to die or people to suffer.

It was during that time that I found Edgar Cayce. I have read almost everything I could get my hands on about his message to the world. At the same time I had a 'fear' of death. I knew I would have to overcome this if I wanted to lead a normal life that was not tainted by this underlying fear. Thus began my studies of the paranormal and what later became known as 'New Age Religion'. I have embraced it completely. I have found a peace that organized religion could never give me.

The day that I finally got the courage to leave my husband and strike out on my own was the day that my life began again. It has been an on-going struggle, but my faith has never left me. For the first 6 yrs it was a living hell. My ex-husband kidnapped my two sons and kept them hidden from me in the hope that I would return home. At one point I left the state and went to the west coast because I knew that, if I stayed close, I might have gone back. During those months, I had terrible nightmares about my boys.

This time period was during the late 60s and early 70s, and there were no laws then to help with this situation. People and the law still looked at spousal abuse as a 'private, family matter'. After I returned to my home state, I found my sons. Everytime I would find them, he would move them again.

One day, my oldest had gotten into some trouble, and the court called me and told me that if I didn't take custody of him he would be put into a juvenile home. I was sad and overjoyed at the same time. I took custody of him and brought him home with me. He was such a troubled boy at 13 yrs. old. He was in and out of trouble constantly until, eventually, he wound up in prison for 'resisting arrest'. He is now doing very well and is a 'born again Christian'...his story would fill a book by itself.

It was through his experience that I learned about drugs, and what they can do to ruin a person's life. I abhor the idea of drugs, and have seen the evil and pain that they inflict on our young people. I will always fight against drugs and drug dealers who care nothing about our children.

The closest I have ever been to a Native American is when I married for the second time. He was part Choctaw. He did not practice Native spirituality so I didn't learn anything from him on that subject. I have always been interested in the subject, but had no one to learn from. I have read many books but still am not very well educated on it. I will have to say that he taught me what love between two people should be like. I know that the Creator sent him to me in my time of need. He taught me about enjoying life, and he gave me back the self confidence that I had been robbed of during the first marriage. He prepared me for the next 'lesson' I feel I was meant to learn. I look at my experience with him as a sort of 'resting time' the Creator gave me to strengthen myself for my other 'lessons'.

After he was gone, I met and married my present husband. It has been 20 yrs of living in hell! I remember the day we got married..a voice in my head kept telling me not to do it. I ignored it. At that time in my life I hadn't learned to listen to my 'voices'. It seems strange looking back on the beginning of my relationship with him. I had dreams and premonitions, and so many warnings that I didn't understand and therefore ignored. I think I wasn't ready to acknowledge them at that time. I also think that I must have needed to go through the 'trials' that I have endured as a learning experience. It has not been a marriage of physical abuse. It has been a time of great emotional abuse. Having lived through physical and emotional abuse has made me a stronger person but has also robbed me of a lot of the joy of living.

The one positive and joyous thing that came out of this marriage and relationship is my 'Buddy'. He is such a wonderful and caring person. He 'belongs' to nature. He has actually had coyotes to walk up to him while he was fishing. He is always bringing home little 'treasures' from the woods and rivers and creeks. He is gentle, but strong at the same time. Little children love him, and he is crazy about them too. He is the reason I have stayed in this marriage; to give him some 'semblance' of a home life. Also to guide him in what is wrong and right. His father would have raised him as a womanizer and bestowed upon him the morals of an alleycat. He is somewhat 'psychic' but he hardly ever talks about it. I know that he has had dreams 'come true'. He has the premonitions that I used to have when I was younger.

Now that he is almost 20, he will be starting out on his own soon. Many of you went through the 'letting go' period with me, and you helped me more than you could possibly know. I now feel ready to take control of my life again, and it is because of accidentally getting on this list. Did I say 'accidentally'..*grin*?

I have sought advice from some of you privately and through the list. You are helping me through this transitional period of my life. I'm not a young woman anymore, but I am much wiser for having been here. You are helping me gain the courage to start another phase of my life. Because of your caring, I am gaining the strength to take my life back and do some of the things I have always wanted to do. I am sure I will need your help and advice frequently, but I know you are there for me as I am for you. I am clearing the way for my guides who were with me so long ago...to enter again. I can't thank you enough.

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