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The Healing Lodge

Personal Awareness - Still Growing

I wanted to let you know that you're pages are doing good, even to someone who thought they had it together until recently.

As you know, the things we read that have the greatest emotional responses are hitting buttons for us. I decided to go through Re-Creating You and see where I've gone and what needs to be cleaned up.

Well, when I got to Exercise 4, I started remembering things that I had pushed way, way back in my memory. When I did the exercise about the thing that's holding me back at the moment, the emotions and pictures flooded back in a jumble... I had no idea that there was *so much fear* attached to my leaving... so much! I remembered several times during my childhood where I attempted to wander away from the house... one when I was around 4 or so, when my father told me repeatedly to "step off the curb" and then hit me on the bottom because he had taught me never to cross the street. Talk about mixed messages and confusion. Another came thru when I was older, around 10, and defied my parents orders to stay on the steps and not leave the block. I went up to "the avenue" (our local shopping area) with my girlfriend. Her parents caught us, and sent us home. I thought I had gotten away with it until a couple days later, my neighbor asked me, in front of my father, how the shopping trip went. Again, I was sent to my room and beaten soundly. A third time came up when I was at the playground on my bike. Again, my father found me, followed me home and beat me for going out without permission. You can see the pattern that's developing... one that I'm still caught in, 40 years later. Amazing.

I'm afraid to leave home for fear of being physically hurt, yet the beatings don't occur until I actually return home! As an adult, I've managed to create situations that return me home, and I do, indeed, suffer here. This is the house that I grew up in... it's full of old psychic impressions that I've attempted to clear and keep coming back. No wonder! I'm still playing the same role I did as a child!

Thank you for helping me to find this "glitch" in my programming. With work, I know I can move forward and not come back again.

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